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6 entries this month
Poltersink17:35 Jul 27 2013
Times Read: 492
I don’t know what’s going on with this goddamn bathroom sink! I’ve been fighting with it for months! MONTHS! It’s like the damn thing’s possessed!
One day it was fine…then…*snaps fingers*…the next day it wasn’t! I did nothing…NOTHING! I’ve known it’s been prone to clogging (and I don’t mean dancing) and after buying bottle after bottle after bottle of Industrial Strength Drano, after the last unclog, I stopped using it! I DON’T KNOW WHY IT’S CLOGGING (and I don’t mean dancing)?! WHY?! WHY WHY WHYYYYYYYY?!
I never shaved using it…I shave in the shower…I sure as hell don’t wash my hair in it, that’s a shower task as well…I don’t tap ashes into it and it’s not like I’m chucking cigarette butts down the son of a bitch! Could it be ants?! WHY IS THE DAMN THING CLOGGING (and I don’t mean dancing)?!
I know what you’re thinking…”If you haven’t used it since your last unclog, how do you know it’s still clogging and like you, I don’t mean dancing?”…fair enough question…I’ll tell you.
I know because right after the last unclog…the water stopped…I don’t know the why on that either. It just stopped…EXCEPT…for one small drip…~Bloop~…~Bloop~…~Bloop~…all day and all night…~Bloop~…~Bloop~…~Bloop~…and I’ve learned it takes four days for a Poltersink to fill all the way up from a continuous…~Bloop~…~Bloop~…~Bloop~…then…I have to bail it out into the crapper using a sauce pan (good thing I don’t make sauces because I’m never using than pan again…I don’t even know why I have it).
I don’t think you understand…I DID NOTHING TO BRING ON THIS CLOGGING (and I don’t mean dancing) CRISIS! I didn’t clip my fingernails into it…I didn’t exfoliate anything into it…I didn’t spit lungers into it…the only thing I am guilty of is swearing at it..NOTHING…NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING….WHY IS IT CLOGGING (and I don’t mean dancing)?!
I don’t have time for this…it’s driving me insane…I have to brush my teeth and wash my hands in the kitchen sink…which…as of right now…is demon free.
WHY…IS…IT…CLOGGING (and I don’t mean dancing)?!?!
You know what this means…don’t you? This means I’m going to have to have a plumber come in…sometime. And that means I’m going to have to scrub the bathroom floor…O…M…G. Not only that…but…I’m also going to have to cart out the…at least a dozen…Industrial Strength Drano bottles that have called beneath the bathroom sink their home…sometime.
I want to kill myself.
The Chinese Woman and The Coke Incident17:00 Jul 22 2013
Times Read: 509
Now take a second and please sit down, I know this may come as a bit of a shock…but…on occasion…I eat Chinese food. I know…I know…not dead cow…no, I know…it’s not double cheese pizza with mushroom, burnt, from The Pizza House in Clyde, nor is it Hot Wings from Grate’s Silvertop, nor hotdogs from Speedway…I am talking about…honest to Sunny Jesus…authentic…Chinese…food.
There are moments, in what passes for my universe, that I must have…indisputably must have…Szechuan Chicken…I even eat the rice! No shit! The rice! Alright…sure…sure…I pick out the miniature corn cobs and the pea pods (ack)…I don’t even know why they put those miniature corn cobs in there…I mean…I can understand the pea pods, China must be full of them…but…I’ve never seen in any photograph of China, miniature corn fields…in fact, I’ve never seen a photograph of a miniature corn field anywhere…in any event, I find them suspect…so…again…I pick them out.
I lay a nice base of rice on my plate and then cover said rice with the Szechuan Chicken minus the miniature corn cobs and the pea pods (ack)…then feeling very worldly…I woof it down. It is absolutely delicious! Coupled with a good Slasher Flic-a-roo and we’re talking a premium evening. Oh…I also have an order of the deep fried Sweet & Sour Chicken…you know…comes with that red sauce in a little Styrofoam container? Heaven! I could eat those deep fried Sweet & Sour Chicken bits, dipped in that red sauce, all day long! The Chinese knew what they were doing when they came up with those babies!
I bet I’ve been in that Chinese place a hundred times placing that order and it’s always an adventure…a lot of pointing and inscrutable hand waving…but…eventually the order gets taken. The proprietors gives away with each meal a free soda…so…after I paid for my order, the little Chinese woman points to the cooler and says to me…”You go pop…you go pop!”…I say back…”When the chicken’s ready I’ll get a Pepsi, but right now I’m going next door to buy Hostess Cup Cakes.”…she says…”Good Pepsi you go pop.”…then back into the kitchen she went.
Procuring my Hostess Cup Cakes (WhooooHoooooo) I’m leaning against my car smoking a cigarette, waiting for my order, with visions of Szechuan and Sweet & Sour Chicken bits, dipped in red sauce, dancing in my head. One can see the counter from the small parking lot…I kept glancing in the glass door…I would see her put my order up on the counter and then go retrieve such along with my Pepsi.
Suddenly there she is…in the parking lot beside me…with my order! Talk about service! She’s all smiles as she hands me my Szechuan and Sweet & Sour Chicken meals. I take them and give her a big surprised…”Thank you!”…then…she hands me…my…Coke.
The Wall And Mystical Lightning Bolts16:20 Jul 19 2013
Times Read: 518
I hit that wall…3 days ago…such makes yours truly very cranky and on edge. I could think of little else during that time…the run to the wall playing over and over and over…beating…beating…beating on that wall…it’s deliciously frustrating.
But it’s there…the answer…whirling helter skelter…caught in the maelstrom…one needs only to have faith. The moment’s going to come…it may be days, even weeks…but…it will come…have faith. I have learned this many times, to have faith in the unknown…I think my irritation stems from a human disbelief in something other than carnal…and yet…at the same time…I know a mystical lightning bolt is biding its time to strike.
If you have no idea of what I speak, you cannot possibly understand the elation when a mystical lightning bolt shatters that wall. I do not speak of something merely “good enough”…a mystical lightning bolt is “perfect”…it’s meant to be.
The jubilation…elation…victory…whatever one may call it…is personal…it requires no mass understanding. To me, it’s like looking into a new universe.
I wish everyone experienced such a moment.
And They Say There’s No God10:50 Jul 13 2013
Times Read: 538
I drove to Kentucky Fried Chicken for dinner tonight. Yes…their special herbs and spices were delicious…but…that’s not the point.
There must…absolutely must…be a damn good reason to spur me into leaving my little castle…a big reason…and yes…hunger qualifies.
Should you see me out and about…9 times out of 10…I’m hunting food. Sure…sure…I will do a smattering of other little chores…mail bills etc…BUT…you can bet your ass, upon returning I will have some form of dead cow in tow. And before you ask…yes…Pepsi and cigarettes qualify as a reason to navigate society.
Oh…before you ask…I do not have a tan, I haven’t had a tan in a decade…I’m a little surprised I don’t have scurvy.
So…you can imagine my dismay when I had my Kentucky Fried Chicken dinner all laid out on my living room floor…mashed potatoes and coleslaw on the left on the bag with my biscuit…which I dip in the mashed potatoes gravy, not too much, I require sufficient gravy for the mashed potatoes, it’s a very delicate calculating procedure really…the three pieces of superbly herbed and spiced chicken nestled in the box directly in front of me…two ice cold Pepsi to my right and disc three of “Season 7 of Dexter” locked and loaded and ready to go…so…again…you can imagine my dismay when I realized I had forgotten my sweet tooth during my prior hunt…I had no Hershey bar…do you understand?! “Season 7 of Dexter” …no Hershey bar…O…M…G!
No…a Hershey candy bar does not qualify as a legitimate reason for domicile expulsion…sure…should there be a convenient store directly outside my door…no more than 12’ away…I would have remedied the crisis…BUT THERE’S NOT…I was screwed.
It was with an almost satisfied belly that I flopped down on my couch and settled in for disc 3 of “Season 7 of Dexter”. I wiggled my way to comfort…slide my arm under my most favorite couch pillow…laid down the old noggin and that’s when my hand found…down between the cushions…three “Malted Milk Balls”.
They were delicious…and they say there’s no God.
And Then…She Gave Me The Finger08:33 Jul 11 2013
Times Read: 552
As I’m sure you can guess, I slumbered through yesterday’s hurricane-esque thunder storm. Nestled in the socially sealed ice cold light proof fortress of solitude that I affectionately think of as my “Crypt of Sanity”, I barely heard the blast of thunderclaps that trumpeted said storm’s arrival …a thunder storm to yours truly is like a lullaby to a baby… I slept like the dead.
Upon waking, nothing alerted me that life had been changed…or even momentarily changed…in any way. No electrical outage could be observed, no sirens bleating disaster, no breaking news reports on my trusty radio, even my quick pre-work facebook feed perusal did not mention a crisis had occurred. I simply went about my usual everyday mind numbing preparation for a humid wonderfully sweaty depressing night at work (ack).
As I walked to my car I couldn’t help but notice a few scattered downed tree limbs…I thought to myself…*Hey look…scattered downed tree limbs.*…and I also took note of the occasional puddle of water….I’m like you…these were the only clues I needed to know that a storm had happened. How was I to know, as I side stepped and hopped over puddles, that in merely minutes my world would be turned upside down?!
As a rule, I spend roughly 10 minutes to procure a fast food burger on my drive to work. This means there are usually no more than 2 to 3 cars, in line, at any given drive-thru window…so…you can imagine my surprise at the line of cars at McDonalds that stretched all the way around the building! Being on my way to work, I did not have the most surely 30 minute wait…so…I moved on to Burger King, home of the Whopper. Same thing? Cars lined up all the way around the building?! I muttered a stream of profanity as a sense of foreboding settled into my bones.
*JUST GO TO WENDY’S YOU’RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!!*…my mind screamed at me…*GOOD IDEA!”…I screamed back. As I approached the Wendy’s entrance my jaw dropped to my chest! WHAT…IS…GOING…ON?! CARS! ALL THE WAY AROUND THE BUILDING!! WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!! WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!! Expletives loudly escaped my mouth.
I admit…unashamedly…I panicked. Quickly I searched for UN troops…men dressed in black…Obama youth…what…Is…gOiNG…ON?!! ARE THE GROCERY STORES OUT OF FOOD?!! WHAT…IS…GOING…ON?!
Speedway was void of hotdogs… WHAT…IS…GOING…ON?! With my pre-work freedom quickly slipping away, I was forced to buy a crappy Speedway ham salad sandwich…detestable…but…what else could I do at that juncture?! I was caught like a rat in a trap. I jumped back into my car…slapped in a clip… and warily began my journey to work.
Cars…Cars…CARS…all the way around Kentucky Fried Chicken building!! ALL THE WAY AROUND BIG BOY! BIG BOY TOO?! DID A VERDICT COME IN FOR THE ZIMMERMAN TRIAL?!! WHAT…IS…GOING…ON?!
As I ate my crappy Speedway ham salad sandwich, I approached the first non-working traffic light…the power was out for this section of town. I noticed the through street had a stop sign…so…I blew through the intersection…right? Am I right?! I mean…I didn’t have a stop sign…the through street had stop signs. One stops at a stop sign…right?! Do you stop at an intersection that doesn’t have a stop sign for your street? NO! You don’t! And neither did yours truly.
5 seconds and one bite of that crappy Speedway ham salad sandwich later, this huge woman comes screaming up beside me in her van, blasting her horn, and screeches at me…and I mean screeches…”THINK OF SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOURSELF YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!”…and then she gave me the finger as she turned onto a side street.
And by the way…my workplace had no power as well…NIGHT OFF!!! WOOOHOOOO!!!!!
Pillow Talk12:57 Jul 01 2013
Times Read: 581
On my way to work last night, as I listened to my beloved “Talk Radio”, there came a commercial with Geraldo “Nothing Behind The Wall” Rivera hawking a pillow…a pillow he claimed…never lost its shape.
Alright…sure…like you…at first…I thought…*WOW! THAT’S SUPER GREAT! A PILLOW THAT NEVER LOSES ITS SHAPE!*…but then…~points to head~… my massive simian intelligence immediately ascertained the folly of such a beast…I mean…who the hell wants a pillow that never loses its shape?!
You see…I’ve spent the last 13 years beating…smashing and twisting my two pillows into the proper form to assure a comfortable cruise into unconsciousness. These shapes are critical…intricate…psychologically and physically in what I call my “Pillow Protocol”…these shapes must be achieved for compatibility and are determined by either a left side slumber…or…a right side slumber . Alright…I can sense you are confused…let me explain.
Should I be slumbering on my right side…this means…for the primary pillow under my head…that the open end of said pillow must be also pointing right with that side of the pillow smashed in…my left hand must be grasping and folding under, the top pillow case flap with my head resting in the pillows right side indentation.
I can hear you like bees in my brain…”What about your other arm Mr. Tu?”…fair enough question and if you would have given me a few seconds, I would have gotten to this without you asking!
Now…with the proper grasping and head resting being observed…my right arm is slid under and then out of this primary pillow and then draped over the secondary pillow. This secondary pillow also has an indentation…BUT…this indentation is pillow centered, therefore offering my right forearm a very comfortable perch. For right side slumbering this is set in stone…no variations…this “Pillow Protocol” must be observed…end of story. Oh…and under no circumstance can any part of the primary pillow be touching my eye area…one slight quick indent making punch suffices.
Yes…like many of you…I am a toss and turner…so…this means…I have a left side slumber “Pillow Protocol”. We already know that my primary pillow has an indentation on the right side…this is indisputable…which can only mean that the left side of my primary pillow must be bulging and…it does.
So…the “Pillow Protocol” for left side slumber is as follows. I drive my left elbow deep into the primary pillows midsection…punch my right fist into the closed pillow case end, then pull while twisting the primary pillows end 360%...then I slam the left side of my face into it. Eye indentations need not be observed for left side slumbering.
Wait…WAIT! You don’t need to ask about the secondary pillow! The secondary pillow only comes into play, with left side slumbering, psychologically…I only need to know it waits behind me with the proper midsection indentation.
None of this could be possible with a pillow that never loses its shape! It’s taken yours truly 13 years to mold my pillows into satisfactory “Pillow Protocol” shapes!
Geraldo “Nothing Behind The Wall” Rivera…you can take your pillow that never loses its shape and go to Hell!
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COMMENTS
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dabbler
18:53 Jul 27 2013
Why would anyone Clog in their bathroom?
NLW
03:25 Jul 28 2013
Maybe it's tree roots? Dead rats that didn't quite make it up the pipe and into the sink? I don't know.
MeanMeanMrTu
11:49 Jul 28 2013
It's fixed and because the acoustics are great!